"Parenting Full Circle: Living, Loving, and Letting Your Offspring Soar"
As my daughter washes her face in our shared bathroom, I feel a wash of pride and grief come over me. I know the sensation of grief well, from the last few years as my mother’s body and brain gave out on her. There was no one else who could help. I had to become her caretaker at a much earlier age in her life than any of us imagined. And this is my daughter I am observing.
I feel the sensation of tears start to well up. The contraction in my body as I try to hold back what I am feeling, not to let a small sob escape as I realize how much I will miss her. Her skin care routine has expanded since one of her best friends took over and outlined what she wanted her to do twice a day. I envision her adult self in the future, caring for herself and wonder how she will be on her own. That life will have ups and downs, how she will fare, if she will call me to talk about it or not. Our children, all children grow into themselves. Their hormones stabilize, they find them selves in society, their interests, voices and life partners. As I watch her drop some serum on her forehead, each cheek and her chin, I wonder how she will have grown in a few years and what her adult self look like.
My best friend makes fun of me with all this anticipatory thinking. I am not living in the moment and have already started crying over her leaving – a year in advance. Some of it is her knowing what she wants and proclamations that she is off to college next year, that she does not need a break to travel, a semester in a local college or a few months to simply live and work as a burgeoning adult. It is not surprising as she has been declaring her will to leave home since she was about 9 and recognized her name on pick-up trucks. When I would ask her what she was thinking about, she would tell me that she was going to move out and get her own apartment, a big ole pick-up truck and as I called it, “A rock n roll lifestyle.” So I know her imagination is probably going wild right now. That currently her mind is full of so many thoughts and plans that I have no idea of. She’s pretty independent and busy with friends, school, work and working out, so while I see and know her, there is much going on that is hers and hers alone. Occasionally glimpses come out in sweet moments of openness and just like me, she holds much back to help me feel safe and not worry as she knows I will do.
This is the complex aspect of parenting… showing up, caretaking, educating. Conversely, allowing our children to blossom and not smother or lawn-mower parent them as Julie Lythcott-Haims writes about in her book, How to Raise An Adult. A book I found so much value in as my daughter was in middle-school.
I try not to fuss too much over her and let her have agency, resilience and responsibility in her life. Holding my tongue on advice-giving has become a past-time sport. Occasionally I get a fowl call or even a time-out on the playing field from her. I know that females and adolescent girls need to feel safe to vent at home and emotionally release the pressure valve of being women in our society. Therefore, she catches me watching her often and observing in the last few months of living together before she goes into the world to flourish, thrive, do amazing things and make a difference. Hopefully I will often get phone calls of connection, help and advice. She has my genes so I wonder as my father once put it, “Now I know not to worry about you when you don’t call and worry when you do call.”
Parenting is like running a marathon while simultaneously watching from the stands at the same time. You are so excited to do it, watching yourself succeed and fail on the parenting rollercoaster. You begin to sense that you must start strong and find your cadence because there will be hills, peaks and valleys. At some point you start to get really tired and the journey is rough with lots of pushing through, feelings like I’ve got this, moments of joy, bless, euphoria and sometimes fear. Then the finish line is in sight and you feel like it is about to be over and that you do not want it to be over. You have to let go of your off-spring. They are meant to life their full lives, find themselves, the world and explore with all of the great lessons and love you have taught them over the years.
She comes to give me a kiss, looks me in the eyes as I have insisted we do as soon as she started to leave the house without me and her eyes twinkle as she lets me know that she knows I have been watching her from afar. I know she will be fine. I cannot wait to hear of her adventures, of which professor challenges her, of which she thinks needs to get their act together. I want to know about her joys, her fears and her desires. For the time comes for wings to sprout, be tested and fly. This is life.
Sheila Griffith
